Hard to believe, research says we only ever really think about one thing at a time. I can do six things at once, poorly and distracted. One thing at a time. It lets me savor each thing. If Anne's talking to me, I can text, as long as she's willing to repeat herself. Even though most people I've told disagree, it seems to be true. Maybe we can do more than one thing at a time. It seems in my life, though, I can only think effectively, and act well, one thing at a time.
Savor. That's what the one-thing-at-a-time allows. Savor the conversation, when there's room to focus on it. Relish doing quality work, because there's time to appreciate it. Stop and smell the roses, the fruits of our labors.
Multi-tasking lets things drop, hap-hazardly, unpredictably. It seems that doing one thing at a time offers a true opportunity for resource accumulation because that allows for true appreciation. It's like taking a trip and having the luxury of really taking in the new place. Doing only one thing at time lets me absorb the events in daily life. Bringing my full self to bear, at each turn lends a quality, a genuineness that eludes me in more distracted states.
Many thousands of years ago, in feudal Japanese society, slaves discovered a silent rebellion, a way to take back their lives. Their strategy: perform each task singularly, and with utter focus. If sweeping, they noticed their hands on the broom handle, their feet on the ground, the way the bristles moved the dirt. Their actions were slow, yet on task. The strategy left no room for complaint by their owners and gave something back to the slaves themselves. It provided something no serf could beat out of them - self-possession.
In self-possession lies power. Socrates said "know thy self". Knowing one's self somehow renders, well for me, an unflappableness. A rock-steadiness only I can muster. It's a gift we give ourselves by choosing it. Self-possession costs nothing, requires no advanced degree, and truly I believe that when it's combined with utter positivity contains an infinite supply of...je ne sais quoi...that certain something that makes us compelling.
Me. I'm my own resource, and through getting to know me better, I have more to offer the world. Mathematically balanced. Incredible!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
3-14-11 6:37 pm Perception, Perspective, and Other "P" Words
My family routinely gives me the opportunity to gain perspective by showing me theirs. Harold and I try to run an even balance when it comes to the business of parenting. He monitors chores, room-cleaning, and making lunches, and I monitor homework, instrument practices and anything else after school. When one of us lets a job go, the others feel it, in entirely unanticipated, yet probably predictable, ways.
A few weeks slip by and I realize Anne's instrument practices maybe slid a bit in quality. How do I know? Her music teacher shares a look of concern with me as we both listen to her play during a lesson. And then it hits. Those times I've cooked dinner, rather than listen and support her during practices leaves Anne to figure out maybe a little too much on her own. Luckily her music teacher knows me, and I rectify things at home.
So, these last few weeks after coming home to Anne's messy room after school, I've felt reluctant to say too much. Harold wants her to get to school on time. I want that plus a clean room so that at least some of our mother-daughter time together is spent joyfully. From my perspective, if she's late for school one day, maybe she'll learn her lesson and just begin keeping her room cleaner on her own. And yet, I get it. Harold wants to get her to school on time. He's just blind to the consequences that choice leaves for me, later in the day.
The struggle has been, why does Harold let her get by with a cursory job at cleaning without, say, asking her to start earlier, maybe get up sooner? Who knows? What I do know is that our perspectives differ because we happen to be different people, noticing different things, at different times of the day. He's home later in the evenings. He sees us only after all her chores and practices are done. He may feel Anne's life and our mother-daughter time together balance perfectly. My perspective shows us frantically attempting to get everything done before he's home for supper and the evening comes to a close. A solution lurks somewhere between our vastly different perspectives. I think...maybe Anne's room gets cleaned after school when she puts her things away in the first place. She practices an instrument in the mornings, and our afternoons sound a bit quieter. (Headaches haunt me, daily threatening severe pain). Anne knows what she needs to do in order to keep the privilege of deciding herself when she practices, when she cleans her room, and when she enjoys a little r & r.
Honestly this issue has been a thorn in my side for a very long time - maybe several school years. I'm glad to resist the urge to throw a fit (past records indicate that as a futile effort anyway), and wait until sensible solutions surface. Punishing is how it's felt to me, yet why pass that on to others? Perception prevented Harold from seeing the big picture. Perhaps age precluded Anne from seeing her own power to determine her fate. Problems are just solutions waiting to happen. Patience usually pays off, as I hope it will this time.
A few weeks slip by and I realize Anne's instrument practices maybe slid a bit in quality. How do I know? Her music teacher shares a look of concern with me as we both listen to her play during a lesson. And then it hits. Those times I've cooked dinner, rather than listen and support her during practices leaves Anne to figure out maybe a little too much on her own. Luckily her music teacher knows me, and I rectify things at home.
So, these last few weeks after coming home to Anne's messy room after school, I've felt reluctant to say too much. Harold wants her to get to school on time. I want that plus a clean room so that at least some of our mother-daughter time together is spent joyfully. From my perspective, if she's late for school one day, maybe she'll learn her lesson and just begin keeping her room cleaner on her own. And yet, I get it. Harold wants to get her to school on time. He's just blind to the consequences that choice leaves for me, later in the day.
The struggle has been, why does Harold let her get by with a cursory job at cleaning without, say, asking her to start earlier, maybe get up sooner? Who knows? What I do know is that our perspectives differ because we happen to be different people, noticing different things, at different times of the day. He's home later in the evenings. He sees us only after all her chores and practices are done. He may feel Anne's life and our mother-daughter time together balance perfectly. My perspective shows us frantically attempting to get everything done before he's home for supper and the evening comes to a close. A solution lurks somewhere between our vastly different perspectives. I think...maybe Anne's room gets cleaned after school when she puts her things away in the first place. She practices an instrument in the mornings, and our afternoons sound a bit quieter. (Headaches haunt me, daily threatening severe pain). Anne knows what she needs to do in order to keep the privilege of deciding herself when she practices, when she cleans her room, and when she enjoys a little r & r.
Honestly this issue has been a thorn in my side for a very long time - maybe several school years. I'm glad to resist the urge to throw a fit (past records indicate that as a futile effort anyway), and wait until sensible solutions surface. Punishing is how it's felt to me, yet why pass that on to others? Perception prevented Harold from seeing the big picture. Perhaps age precluded Anne from seeing her own power to determine her fate. Problems are just solutions waiting to happen. Patience usually pays off, as I hope it will this time.
Friday, March 11, 2011
3-11-11 7:25 pm Bubbles, Illusions, and Traditions
Isolation, the ultimate illusion, sometimes feels like a bubble of safety, and at others feels like relegation and underappreciation. Working on a new idea, at the stage past brainstorming and well into visualization, often tricks me into a feeling of wanting to protect an idea from other permutations. It's major bubble-time. Solo execution of any task, small or large, on the other hand leaves me feeling deserted and sometimes unappreciated. Ultimately both illusions get shattered in a reality of co-existence.
I'm learning to break through the bubble. Just today, working on a staff development project, I checked in with two other experts: a 20-year veteran teacher, and our school counselor. Explaining my thinking felt good. Verbalizing my plan clarified my thinking. They felt included and affirmed as stake-holders just by my reaching out. They shared useful insights that deepened my understanding and increased the quality of my work. Ultimately the benefactors are participants. Additional positive ripple effects go beyond building community. Sharing thinking builds trust, a shared vision, and unifies a team.
Conversely, times of burdensome blame (perceived) provided an different kind of opportunity for broadening the circle of input that relieved a feeling of isolation threatening to overpower me. Some staff wanted my help with behavior issues. After conferring, I carried out a plan that we'd agreed upon. On the first day it quickly became clear that our shared vision left out important details. I almost cowered. I almost threw my hands up. Instead I came right back to the planning table, drawing back in my two co-workers, thereby keeping the lines of communication open. What we thought was a one-time plan became a week-long process. Gratification, in work thoroughly executed, feels like its own reward. The behavior issues may continue to one degree or another. Yet our time together supported intentionally cooperative work among school professionals from which students ultimately benefit.
How was the week? Productive. Inspiring. It felt full of learning. Indeed, I feel fortunate.
Traditions: Tomorrow Harold and I will be married 17 years. Some better than others, still I feel extremely fortunate to co-build this relationship. This morning met with a surprise cup of perfectly-made coffee, and this afternoon saw a beautiful bunch of flowers on the kitchen counter. And he said we'd celebrate this year on the cheep!
Traditions feed our collective memories, and that's its own resource. Anne saw the flowers and began complimenting her father's character. I concurred, and took advantage of the moment to advertise good qualities to look for in a husband: trustworthiness, kindness, self-care, and consideration. Kids learn from what they see more than from what they hear, I know. This time, she saw and heard, hopefully a powerful combination.
Most of what I have falls into the category of beliefs. I believe in building collaborative relationships, supporting loving relationships, and self-care. Everything else results as symptoms of those core beliefs. We make our destinies when we intentionally execute our lives.
I'm learning to break through the bubble. Just today, working on a staff development project, I checked in with two other experts: a 20-year veteran teacher, and our school counselor. Explaining my thinking felt good. Verbalizing my plan clarified my thinking. They felt included and affirmed as stake-holders just by my reaching out. They shared useful insights that deepened my understanding and increased the quality of my work. Ultimately the benefactors are participants. Additional positive ripple effects go beyond building community. Sharing thinking builds trust, a shared vision, and unifies a team.
Conversely, times of burdensome blame (perceived) provided an different kind of opportunity for broadening the circle of input that relieved a feeling of isolation threatening to overpower me. Some staff wanted my help with behavior issues. After conferring, I carried out a plan that we'd agreed upon. On the first day it quickly became clear that our shared vision left out important details. I almost cowered. I almost threw my hands up. Instead I came right back to the planning table, drawing back in my two co-workers, thereby keeping the lines of communication open. What we thought was a one-time plan became a week-long process. Gratification, in work thoroughly executed, feels like its own reward. The behavior issues may continue to one degree or another. Yet our time together supported intentionally cooperative work among school professionals from which students ultimately benefit.
How was the week? Productive. Inspiring. It felt full of learning. Indeed, I feel fortunate.
Traditions: Tomorrow Harold and I will be married 17 years. Some better than others, still I feel extremely fortunate to co-build this relationship. This morning met with a surprise cup of perfectly-made coffee, and this afternoon saw a beautiful bunch of flowers on the kitchen counter. And he said we'd celebrate this year on the cheep!
Traditions feed our collective memories, and that's its own resource. Anne saw the flowers and began complimenting her father's character. I concurred, and took advantage of the moment to advertise good qualities to look for in a husband: trustworthiness, kindness, self-care, and consideration. Kids learn from what they see more than from what they hear, I know. This time, she saw and heard, hopefully a powerful combination.
Most of what I have falls into the category of beliefs. I believe in building collaborative relationships, supporting loving relationships, and self-care. Everything else results as symptoms of those core beliefs. We make our destinies when we intentionally execute our lives.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
3-10-11 5:15 pm Hugs
I read somewhere that in order to maximize our DNA potential to ward off diseases, we need 16 hugs per day. Something about joyful safe touch boosting the immune system, if I remember correctly. I love hugs. They feel warm, safe, and they let me breathe more deeply. Admittedly, hugs by the wrong person or at the wrong time are just weird. Other than that, I generally love them.
Harold, Anne, and I all hug one another, and that's wonderful. Some families live a hug-less lives. I am fortunate to live and work amongst a veritable community of huggers. I hug my boss, my co-workers, parents and students at the elementary school where I work, friends, etc.
Every time I'm in an embrace, that "16 hugs" factoid comes to mind. It's a little like if sugar were good for you. It tastes so good, if it were healthful that would just make the whole experience bliss. Hugs are like that for me. They feel good and they're good for me.
Today I got five hugs from students, three from my daughter and about three from other co-workers. Sometimes I find myself hugging me. Who knows why? Sometimes its' obvious - I'm worried or feeling isolated. Other times it just happens for no apparent reason. Maybe my immune system is in a weakened state. Five more are in order for today, and that's good with me!
Some people aren't huggers. Seems like not eating or sleeping to me - impossible. It's OK, though, we huggers find one another. It's like a shared secret. A smile, a reached-out hand, and suddenly a hug is shared between two people who need it. And we're richer for it. We're healthier, we feel loved, we get a shot of safety and belonging. Embraces equally give and receive simultaneously. What else in the world does that?
Controversial is hugging students at school. Touch the shoulder only, or don't touch at all. These kids come to school starved, literally not having eaten breakfast, and neglected. Some aer given what they need at home, and the rest, well, they have a game box, a television, a snack cupboard if they're lucky, and not much else. They get sick due to poor nutrition and lack of attention including hugs. I have one little student, "T" who says to me at least three times per week: "Mrs. Sponheim, I just need a hug!" She says it like she's starving or sleep-deprived. It's a basic thirst in her that needs quenching. When she throws her arms around me, I hug her back. And I let go first. When I can I give half-hugs. When children need hugs, they are seeking trust, a feeling of belonging, acceptance. Hugs become controversial when they cease to be hugs and become something inappropriate. I don't chase children down for hugs. I don't even hug my own daughter without permission. There is, however, something magical and healing about them, and they're free, controversial as they may be.
Today I feel richer, grateful, at peace because of the hugs I've given and received. Thank you to all those in my life who hug me. I'm privileged to be able to hug you all back!
Harold, Anne, and I all hug one another, and that's wonderful. Some families live a hug-less lives. I am fortunate to live and work amongst a veritable community of huggers. I hug my boss, my co-workers, parents and students at the elementary school where I work, friends, etc.
Every time I'm in an embrace, that "16 hugs" factoid comes to mind. It's a little like if sugar were good for you. It tastes so good, if it were healthful that would just make the whole experience bliss. Hugs are like that for me. They feel good and they're good for me.
Today I got five hugs from students, three from my daughter and about three from other co-workers. Sometimes I find myself hugging me. Who knows why? Sometimes its' obvious - I'm worried or feeling isolated. Other times it just happens for no apparent reason. Maybe my immune system is in a weakened state. Five more are in order for today, and that's good with me!
Some people aren't huggers. Seems like not eating or sleeping to me - impossible. It's OK, though, we huggers find one another. It's like a shared secret. A smile, a reached-out hand, and suddenly a hug is shared between two people who need it. And we're richer for it. We're healthier, we feel loved, we get a shot of safety and belonging. Embraces equally give and receive simultaneously. What else in the world does that?
Controversial is hugging students at school. Touch the shoulder only, or don't touch at all. These kids come to school starved, literally not having eaten breakfast, and neglected. Some aer given what they need at home, and the rest, well, they have a game box, a television, a snack cupboard if they're lucky, and not much else. They get sick due to poor nutrition and lack of attention including hugs. I have one little student, "T" who says to me at least three times per week: "Mrs. Sponheim, I just need a hug!" She says it like she's starving or sleep-deprived. It's a basic thirst in her that needs quenching. When she throws her arms around me, I hug her back. And I let go first. When I can I give half-hugs. When children need hugs, they are seeking trust, a feeling of belonging, acceptance. Hugs become controversial when they cease to be hugs and become something inappropriate. I don't chase children down for hugs. I don't even hug my own daughter without permission. There is, however, something magical and healing about them, and they're free, controversial as they may be.
Today I feel richer, grateful, at peace because of the hugs I've given and received. Thank you to all those in my life who hug me. I'm privileged to be able to hug you all back!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
3-9-11 6:53pm Kindness Adds Up
I believe in a cosmic balance principle: you reap what you sew. Case in point: Anne & I went to our stylist for our semi-quarterly haircuts. She's nice to us every time we're in, so we keep returning. Anne's cut, by the way, looks striking on her. I, on the other hand, received no charge for basically no cut. What's up? Well, when I showed our stylist, "K" what I wanted, she commented that a bit more length might get me there sooner. So she simply trimmed my bangs and let me walk. She may actually practice a "give more than you get" strategy, as this was the third time she's given us a good turn.
The first time was after my first cut. It just felt off to me. So, I sucked up my courage and went back to her with a kind request for a change. She offered it at no charge, and thanked me for coming back. Ever so much better than my just feeling disappointed and seeking out a different stylist. The next time was actually at our previous visit about two months ago. Somehow the schedule was messed up, and Anne's appointment was missed. Well, "K" sat her down and gave her a quick trim for free. I left her a $10.00 tip after she insisted on taking nothing for Anne's cut. You see the pattern.
The effect: She has built two very loyal customers. She has accumulated a resource. And I kept more money in my wallet. Another resource. Who knows what "K"'s thinking is? Who cares? She's kind, giving, and I now know that when she thinks I don't need a cut, she won't give it to me, and for that I feel eternally grateful.
The first time was after my first cut. It just felt off to me. So, I sucked up my courage and went back to her with a kind request for a change. She offered it at no charge, and thanked me for coming back. Ever so much better than my just feeling disappointed and seeking out a different stylist. The next time was actually at our previous visit about two months ago. Somehow the schedule was messed up, and Anne's appointment was missed. Well, "K" sat her down and gave her a quick trim for free. I left her a $10.00 tip after she insisted on taking nothing for Anne's cut. You see the pattern.
The effect: She has built two very loyal customers. She has accumulated a resource. And I kept more money in my wallet. Another resource. Who knows what "K"'s thinking is? Who cares? She's kind, giving, and I now know that when she thinks I don't need a cut, she won't give it to me, and for that I feel eternally grateful.
Monday, March 7, 2011
3-7-11 6:26 pm Smiles and Paychecks
People want to be with other people who are happy. Smiling can get you a job, a partner, a favor, and maybe more. Humans naturally want to be around others who make them feel good, and usually smiling puts people in some positive state of mind.
The job market slowly recovers. Why not smile? Maybe if we keep a grin between our cheeks we can all take something to the bank. Now that's resource accumulation.
And what about friends? Community? Smiles make the most powerful request: "I'm happy, and hope you can be happy with me." It's an invitation to connect. In this human world, I think smiles might be the most potent tool to use in orchestrating joy.
I am renewing my smile mission. Maybe it will help me keep my job!
The job market slowly recovers. Why not smile? Maybe if we keep a grin between our cheeks we can all take something to the bank. Now that's resource accumulation.
And what about friends? Community? Smiles make the most powerful request: "I'm happy, and hope you can be happy with me." It's an invitation to connect. In this human world, I think smiles might be the most potent tool to use in orchestrating joy.
I am renewing my smile mission. Maybe it will help me keep my job!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
3-1-11 6:10 pm Conventions, Slumber Parties for Grown-Ups
We watch Anne have them: Sleep-overs. Her anticipation appears far more enjoyable than the event itself, especially from the next day's vantage point. In the end we feel sure she'll never want to do it again, what with the fatigue, the schedule changes, the compromising, and everything she must make up - chores, instrument practices, and sleep. Oh does she pout, and drag, and clearly suffer. She seems capable of one thing after a sleep-over: curling up on the couch with a book she might or might not have the energy to actually read. And the next Friday we receive what can only now be labelled "predictable" request: "Can we do another sleep-over?" It must be the networking. With whomever she has a sleep-over, the next week is full of fun recesses. She's got a buddy in her social back pocket, and everyone wants that.
I recently returned from CCIRA, a literacy conference held in Denver. Like Anne with sleepovers, I have a love-hate relationship with conferences. I want to go. When we're there, (three or four of us usually go together) sure we compromise, sure we sometimes struggle to find balance, but we help each other out, even on diminishing amounts of sleep. And then the eventual, the dreaded always occurs. We return to catch up with the daily demands of our previous commitments: family, jobs, laundry. It's enough to turn one off to this sort of activity. And then we keep in touch, those of us who go. We reconnect in between conferences. We collaborate. We capitalize on the social networks and the shared experiences of the conference. It supports us socially, and in the end I believe, economically.
Now there's another conference I want to go to for Cognitive Coaching SM. It costs way too much, and I'd likely be going alone. Who knows how those problems might resolve themselves? That question unanswered leaves me with an emotional pout that would put Anne to shame. I want the fun. I want to make new connections. I want to resource accumulation, the economic and social capital this sort of time and money investment return. It's about more than the fun. Knowing what I want is the first step...
I recently returned from CCIRA, a literacy conference held in Denver. Like Anne with sleepovers, I have a love-hate relationship with conferences. I want to go. When we're there, (three or four of us usually go together) sure we compromise, sure we sometimes struggle to find balance, but we help each other out, even on diminishing amounts of sleep. And then the eventual, the dreaded always occurs. We return to catch up with the daily demands of our previous commitments: family, jobs, laundry. It's enough to turn one off to this sort of activity. And then we keep in touch, those of us who go. We reconnect in between conferences. We collaborate. We capitalize on the social networks and the shared experiences of the conference. It supports us socially, and in the end I believe, economically.
Now there's another conference I want to go to for Cognitive Coaching SM. It costs way too much, and I'd likely be going alone. Who knows how those problems might resolve themselves? That question unanswered leaves me with an emotional pout that would put Anne to shame. I want the fun. I want to make new connections. I want to resource accumulation, the economic and social capital this sort of time and money investment return. It's about more than the fun. Knowing what I want is the first step...
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