My family routinely gives me the opportunity to gain perspective by showing me theirs. Harold and I try to run an even balance when it comes to the business of parenting. He monitors chores, room-cleaning, and making lunches, and I monitor homework, instrument practices and anything else after school. When one of us lets a job go, the others feel it, in entirely unanticipated, yet probably predictable, ways.
A few weeks slip by and I realize Anne's instrument practices maybe slid a bit in quality. How do I know? Her music teacher shares a look of concern with me as we both listen to her play during a lesson. And then it hits. Those times I've cooked dinner, rather than listen and support her during practices leaves Anne to figure out maybe a little too much on her own. Luckily her music teacher knows me, and I rectify things at home.
So, these last few weeks after coming home to Anne's messy room after school, I've felt reluctant to say too much. Harold wants her to get to school on time. I want that plus a clean room so that at least some of our mother-daughter time together is spent joyfully. From my perspective, if she's late for school one day, maybe she'll learn her lesson and just begin keeping her room cleaner on her own. And yet, I get it. Harold wants to get her to school on time. He's just blind to the consequences that choice leaves for me, later in the day.
The struggle has been, why does Harold let her get by with a cursory job at cleaning without, say, asking her to start earlier, maybe get up sooner? Who knows? What I do know is that our perspectives differ because we happen to be different people, noticing different things, at different times of the day. He's home later in the evenings. He sees us only after all her chores and practices are done. He may feel Anne's life and our mother-daughter time together balance perfectly. My perspective shows us frantically attempting to get everything done before he's home for supper and the evening comes to a close. A solution lurks somewhere between our vastly different perspectives. I think...maybe Anne's room gets cleaned after school when she puts her things away in the first place. She practices an instrument in the mornings, and our afternoons sound a bit quieter. (Headaches haunt me, daily threatening severe pain). Anne knows what she needs to do in order to keep the privilege of deciding herself when she practices, when she cleans her room, and when she enjoys a little r & r.
Honestly this issue has been a thorn in my side for a very long time - maybe several school years. I'm glad to resist the urge to throw a fit (past records indicate that as a futile effort anyway), and wait until sensible solutions surface. Punishing is how it's felt to me, yet why pass that on to others? Perception prevented Harold from seeing the big picture. Perhaps age precluded Anne from seeing her own power to determine her fate. Problems are just solutions waiting to happen. Patience usually pays off, as I hope it will this time.
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